Restart

Not that I had that many followers before, but if you read the blog a few months ago, you will know that this is not *really* my first post, even though it is now the first active post. I scrapped my earlier writing. Some of it was worthwhile, but I was largely dissatisfied, and embarrassed that I hadn't written for over two months. And, fortunately, my blog is one of the few places where I can push the restart button any damn time I feel like it (Hah! Take THAT life!).

I started this blog a few months ago because I wanted a place to be real without having to let the other people in my life know about it. I'm sure there are all kinds of things you can infer about me from this, and some of those things are probably even true. Morgan is not my real name, though I chose this moniker out of my love for the book The Mists of Avalon, probably my favorite book of all time. If you haven't read it, even if you're not a fan of fantasy / science fiction, it's worth a read. There are so many layers to the book. And, I chose the name in part because even though Morgan's character experiences some objectively terrible things, she manages to never become the victim.

I'd like to believe this is true of me, also... perhaps I take it a little too far sometimes, and end up flat out ignoring the ways in which others have contributed to where I am. But the point is that I like to think that I'm a survivor, and that eventually, I will figure a way out of the holes I dig for myself.

And what holes are those? Well, I'm 35 years old, and feeling a little bit like I'm failing at life. That statement is probably a little dramatic, but I will say that my 11 year marriage / 16 year relationship ended officially in May, but it was about a year ago now that I knew it was going to end. I share custody with my ex-husband, who I really don't like at all and think isn't anywhere near as interested in parenting as he is in maintaining the appearance that he's parenting.

Through the divorce proceedings, in addition to losing my precious boys 50% of the time to their less-than-adequate father (no, I'm not just being uncharitable - he's really not that great of a parent), I also have the pleasure of paying him alimony and child support because while he's nine years older than I, he's manage to make a complete cluster of his work life, and I became (unwillingly and unintentionally) the primary breadwinner for the family. And, in the great state of Minnesota, the laws are no longer gender biased, and shared custody is presumed unless you can really present a strong case for why it shouldn't be. Attendant with that comes the reality of getting to write a check to your worthless ex-husband each month, give him half (or more) of your retirement funds, and if you are extra lucky like me, you can walk away with all the marital debt.

I shouldn't say it was luck; I was trying not to rack up legal fees, and I just wanted things done with. And, I felt guilty for leaving the man. While one might suspect the reverse considering that I was 18 and he 27 when we met, I had done an awful lot of caretaking for him, and was genuinely worried about his future, and didn't want to screw up his life anymore than necessary with my bid for freedom. Unfortunately, the end result of that, and his willingness to take me to the cleaners financially to wring as much out of the divorce as he could, combined with my habit of overspending, has left me in significant debt - right now, roughly $40K of credit card debt, another $1800 in student loans, $9K on a car that's worth about $6K, mortgages totaling $200K on a house that's worth roughly $175K... you get the picture, and it ain't pretty.

Unfortunately, I have a decent income (see where I have the privilege of paying alimony and child support in this new "equal" society where my ex-husband gets to elect to do the bare minimum for work while I supplement - fun!), so bankruptcy is not an option, and I genuinely don't feel right about letting go of the house because I think it's better for my kids to retain it... and, honestly, the mortgage payment is on par with what I would pay for rent someplace. I have no capital to purchase something else, though nicer is available for less than I pay now.

Anyway, in addition to my debt crisis, I am also working a job I don't like and don't feel like I'm doing particularly well at... I'm sure I'll write more about that at a later point.

This has wandered a bit, but I think I'm okay with that for now... while I hope that some people who might need to either a) feel better about their own lives or b) want to know that they are not alone in the world of colossal screw ups do read this, this writing is largely for me. A space to be honest about the things I'm really feeling without worrying about the judgment those I know might level on me. It's a space to be honest about what's really going on, and to give myself the sense of telling someone without having to bend the ear of a specific person. I have more to say, and lots to sort through. Stay tuned (or don't - I'll still write that pretending that someone is going to read this :)